You’re about to have heard ALL of this horseshit before from someone in your life somewhere.
I’m having a particularly sour winter day that only conflates my general displeasure with the arctic season so innately central to my state’s stupid history. (See? Look how shitty I was just acting there).
I just hate winter. It’s the worst. I hate it. I hate hate it. I haaaaate it. I could move away and never see snow again and be HAPPY. Forever. And no, I wouldn’t miss it at Christmas. No, I would never miss it ever. I would never, ever miss it. It sucks and I hate it.
I hate winter so much I don’t even think I would hate fuck it.
I value winter for all of THREE DAYS because it’s like that acquaintance who doesn’t know when to shut up or leave or stop eating all the goddamn cheese on the tray. And I really like cheese so that’s unfair.
So here’s “Why winter is the worst and we all hate it”
- I can’t ride my road bike because the streets are preferred transportation for ice skating.
- Alternate side street parking.
- It’s fucking cold.
- The snow makes the roads like 45% smaller thus impacting street parking.
- It’s 0F sometimes.
- The only warm thing I come in contact with outside is when I have to pick up my dog’s shit in a plastic bag.
- It’s windy.
- Everything dies.
- Sometimes it’s 8F.
- I have to put a sweater on my dog. A sweater. On my dog. STUPID.
- All I want to do is eat and sleep.
- Our winter is essentially November-May which is 5 months too long.
- I have to keep putting leather and suede protector on my boots thus likely contributing to the emissions of CFCs and other noxious gasses.
- I have to wear winter boots. All the time. They’re heavy.
- I run from building to building. What even is “outside”?
- Sometimes it’s -5F.
- My front hall closet is 800xs more full of shit: multiple coats, multiple coat shells, multiple scarves, multiple hats, multiple boots. There’s just shit everywhere.
- It’s usually pretty miserable to run outside.
- I get fatter.
- You have to invest in special winter clothing to stay warm.
- Sometimes there’s ice but it’s hidden underneath snow and that shit is so dangerous.
- People say, “Maybe it’ll be a White Christmas!” Who cares? I hope global warming means we NEVER do.
- I forget that the sun is warm. Is it?
- My coat gets covered in a wonderfully toxic mix of soot, salt, ice and wintry mix run-off.
- Sometimes it’s hard to breathe outside.
- I get whiter.
- I’m in a perpetual state of pissed off-ness.
- My carpet gets stained with salt and ice.
- My indoor plants get super, super pissed.
- I have to put BALLOON BOOTIES on my dog’s feet to protect her footpads from salt and ice.
- I can’t walk anywhere because it’s too: snowy or icy or cold or windy or all of the above.
- Ice gets on your car.
- Ice gets in your car.
- Your car is cold. Cold steering wheel = awful.
- Your car has to “warm up” for ten minutes.
- You always have to have 1/4 tank of gas because, you know, it could get cold and FREEZE.
- The Memorial Union Terrace is closed.
- My hair gets flat and deflated much like my soul.
Why do you hate winter? Or what are your Top 3 “Winter Hates?” I tried to just write 10 but we can see where that all went.
Regardless, I hope it’s warmer where ever you are, you lucky bastard!